Silence

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You say it best ...When you say nothing at all

Isnt it funny how to some people you come across like the most happiest person in the world. Never sad, never frowning, also singing, so up and peppy.
I guess that makes me a lier, as I lie to the the world!

I was just sitting here before thinking about a few things, as I do. When it kinda came to me. And its the right thing to do too. Or at lest I think it is.
When I get to work in the morning, its like I go onto Auto pilot.
You know, the big smile, hello to everyone, ask how they are, etc. I can keep this up the whole day. 8:30am - 8pm. :nod: The whole day, always happy, always laughing and singing.
Im often told by people who Im always so happy and posative. Always smile and say hello to people. This is all so very true. And its how a person should be too.
That doesnt mean Im lying, no not at all. It only means I should get a lead role in a movie :lol: jks :P :giggle:
It only means I like to make others happy, I like to see others smile. I hate it when people are sad, it makes me sad as I want to be able to help them, and often I do. Giving money, or gifts to people who in my eyes need it more then I do.
You see without going into details. I myself need and operation, Its one that will save my life ( as mentioned without going into details ) Without it, well. hmm lets just not go there aye...
How ever this operation costs $15,000 NZD ( 6,894 GBP , 11,051 USD  )
So I work my arse off to try and save up this money, not an easy thing to do when times are tough, as most of you will already know that. By the time power, rent, house insurance, food, girly things , phone, internet, petrol, road charges are all paid for Im left with very  little. I pretty much live day to day.
You see I dont drink, I dont smoke, and because I have no money, I go out next to never, also because I work all the time there is no time to go out. Now dont get me wrong I love my work :D For those who dont know I look after Mentally Ill people ages new born to. well till they die. So all ages. And God you know I love my work so much, Im so lucky to be in  a job that I love so much :D I just love caring for people and animals, as I child I always said "when Im older, I want to look after "slow people" ( hey I was a kid I couldnt even say the word back then lol) old people, babies, or animals, and I want to have heaps of children ( you know when I was 5 I remember Mum asking me what I wanted from Santa, and I said "a baby please" goes to show you how much Ive always loved and wanted a child ) ~sighs~ but never mind that, thats another story for another day.
Now back on track here. Once the pay comes though, its more or less goes :( So I put away what little I can put away, but its funny, no matter how little I have, I will always put aside a little money into a different bank account for a friend over seas. You will often find me putting towards things here people are asking for, like "help such and such buy a lap top" or "help such and such buy a new lens" "help such and such buy a new cam as their was stolen" you know things like that. Im not saying thats a bad thing, as thats just how I am. To me those people need something more then me. Im often buying someone a sub just because I can. Or buying someone a print, because they are a little down and need a little cheering up.
Sending a card to someone, can really make someones day, you know just a card saying "hello, thinking of you, " something so simple can mean the world to someone.  Not an email but a "real" letting in the mail. "Snail Mail"
But sometimes :( I wish I was a bitch :( Sometimes I wish I was one of those selfish bitches who just want want want, and take take take. If this was the case, I wouldnt be sick. Id have the money needed, and Id be well and healthy. But even as I write this I feel so selfish and bad for even thinking I wished I was a bitch like that.
Now Im sitting here thinking what a bitch I am for saying something as selfish as that, and debating if I should delete that part.  But it has taken me a few weeks to write this, and I promised myself that what ever I wrote no matter how bad it sounds or how good it sounds I will not delete any of it. So Im not going to go back and delete anything.
But hey, tomorrow is another day, and maybe tomorrow will be better? Who knows? :shrug:
now back to what I was saying at the start.
Its funny how so many people think and look at me as being such and such kind of person. Yet I have to make myself get out of bed every day.
When Im driving to work, will myself not to turn around and just drive home.
When Im driving home each night after work, I have to push the thoughts out of my head that say things like "You know if I didnt turn this corner and just went stright off the bank into the river, noone would even know I was missing till the following day when I didnt turn up to work, and even then noone at work would be worried, they would call home, noone would answer. Think I was on my way to work, give me an hour, then ring again if Im not in. Then be pissed off cause I didnt turn up to work. And then maybe ring Mum and Dads to if they knew what was going on. Then even then, 90% chance Dad will be out on the farm, and Mum will be in town doing something"  These are the kind of thoughts I have to try and push out of my head just about every night driving home.
Often the only things stopping from action taking pace, is "My Animals will be hungry, and noone will want my pets so they will be homeless or have to be put down" and that if anything happened to me, it will kill my Mum.
So even then, its still not for myself I stop, its for others. :shrug:

Sometimes I really wish people would stop being so selfish, stop thinking only of themselves. For then they will truely see what is going on around them.
But I guess, it takes all kinds to make the world go round right? The world would be a damn boring place if everyone was the same.

Anyways, sorry for such a long journal. There really is soooo much I would add to this, but I know its boring, and not something that anyone gives a rats arse about anyway.
Just I have so much shit going on at the moment, and I feel Im about ready to crack.
So many broken promises, so many people who lie. The world really is a sad sad place. Why cant people be honest? why must they thrive on other peoples sadness?  

Once again sorry for the long journal, I will end it now with a thumb feature.
I wish you all the very  best for 2010, may it be better then 2009 but not as good as 2011 :heart:



Silence
SiLEnCE HURtS tHE MoSt by O-range .silence is bronze. by cisya silence by MalvaAlcea
silence.. by nivea87 Silence BW by AryaGrander:thumb3778851:

Recent favs
:thumb149205187: The happy days by Healzo Wonderwall by impulsives
To Be A Journalist by westudios
Hit and Sunk by Ashale maelstrom by IVIXIVIXVXII Fluid Dynamics - Tomato by hquer

Some of my fav Groups

:iconmagnifymefirst: - Some of the best Macro and Close up photos
:iconcanonphoto: - Photos taken by Canon photographers, and Canon lovers :D
:iconblack-white-club: - ) in the middle of voting for the icon so still got the little one hehe )Some of the best B&W art of all media's
:iconnewsstand: - Photojournalism & Street photos
:iconaoaclub: - Giving and showing love to the admin on dA
:iconphotography-apn: - Photos from APN



© 2010 - 2024 Tepara
Comments45
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NKVGBD's avatar
Can't tell much really, your journal is overwhelming
in many aspects, having a lot of negative and positive
vibes at the same time. I wish you to hang on those
positives and smile. Life will smile back at you
(usually works that way), and may this year be the best
and makes you smile truly and not just for the shake
of others...but 'cause you're feeling alright :hug: